June 2, 2021
I am a Latin, sensitive woman who sometimes has to deal with very strong PMS. All this might be the most genuine combination to make you cry during random circumstances. I cried at yoga class. Ironically, deep inside my heart, I saw this day coming. In fact, I almost cried once before while I was still practicing in Brazil. That place could be a good one for crying; I felt safe there. After all, if I had cried there, I knew that I would be comforted by sweet friends in an environment I was already used to. But it's so much different here in Amsterdam! So let me set you the scene.
After seven months of lonely practice at home, during a miserable, cold lockdown, I'm finally back to school, although this time in a different country. No matter how much I already love the new school and likewise my new teacher (she is wonderful, by the way), this was the last place I could wish for to unfold such an intimate feeling; even less so in front of an audience.
The yogi readers who know me well can guess by now what was the reason that made me cry. Without further ado, I confess I hate being in a headstand posture. It shakes my world in a very intense way. I lose balance and toxic thoughts make me think that I am going to fall down and injure myself badly. To me, this posture is so emotionally disturbing that sometimes I consider stopping yoga just because I don’t want to go through this very specific albeit fundamental exercise. How crazy is that?!
As I write this down, it feels even more embarrassing and silly to think of what has been actually disrupting such unpleasant reactions. Some people say that a few yoga postures have a subtle yet profound connection with personal struggles and repetitive patterns which we come across in life. If this is the case, my dislike of losing control of general daily situations can resonate perfectly to this statement. I know it's not about the posture itself but rather how I handle it.
More frustrating is to realize that about a year ago, when I was finally allowing myself to simply enjoy being in sirsasana, I injured my knee. Thereby I was forced to be out of the mat for a couple of months. During this absence I missed ashtanga yoga from the bottom of my heart. I couldn't wait to come back! Then, when I resumed practicing, my confidence was gone and I saw myself going back to scratch.
Here I am; opening my heart to whoever wants to read about my exasperations - or even laugh at them - but the thing is: I don't want to be that person who fears the unknown. I've never been like that. So why would I let a single yoga posture scare me so much to the point of preventing me from appreciating one of the most beautiful ancient philosophies that the Rishis taught us?
By releasing this mental block, out loud, might be another good way to demystify this white elephant that I have created in my mind. I know yoga is a powerful tool to deal with all kinds of emotions and maybe this is trying to tell me something. Thinking it through though, the world is chaotic in its own right; hence, perhaps it's not a bad idea to face this head on while being head over heels!
p.s. If you are looking for a lovely place to practice yoga in the Netherlands - as well as meditation, Ayurveda and other ways to (re) connect with your inner peace -, I highly recommend my current school "Delight Yoga Amsterdam".