Flooded mood

July 15, 2021

After two weeks submerged in a story about the current terrible condition of bridges and quay walls in Amsterdam that I was commissioned to write for a distinguished magazine, I finally find respite and come back to firm soil. For days and nights this was all I could think, write and dream about. Such a time-consuming story that, once it was done, I felt empty. It's true that the subject itself doesn't make Amsterdam look any prettier - reason enough to make me feel a little bit blue. After all, I love the place where I live and it hurt my feelings to point a finger at so many negative sides of my beloved city.

I shall overcome this though. It's not the first nor will it be the last time that I feel what many writers feel after their duties are complete. But when I look at a new week unfolding itself to me, I realize that I miss a tighter, fixed routine. I guess that having too much freedom to shape our daily schedule can be a silent enemy - especially when this comes intertwined with a melancholic longing to see sunlight again: for the record, it's bloody chilly even though it's summertime in Amsterdam and "I desperately need a vacation" is my current motto.

I've been thinking of traveling to Palermo. Italy is the closest place to the Netherlands where warm and dear friends are. The energy of the Palermitani could be the fuel that I need to endure another Dutch winter. Moreover, the Mediterranean food, the laughters, the light... Just to think of all this makes my heart beat faster. My second Corona vaccine jab is just around the corner. Perhaps having something to look forward to can be the right stimulus to persist a bit more until I get some deserved time off.

But then I realize that the problem may not be the lack of routine, but the excess of doubts about the future let alone the "wantings and havings" that overwhelm my thoughts and likewise paralyze my inner drive.


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