A phoenix is reborn

December 21, 2020

Dear diary, we are really overdue for a talk. You may think that I have forgotten about you, but I would never! You know, I have been going through a dry spell. It's pretty normal, don't you think? If it is of interest to you, I'm describing as normal what feels weird and painful to me.

Writing at full speed, in my case, requires a good dose of enthusiasm, curiosity and joy. None of these have been sparkling in my inner self lately. Perhaps they were buried, smashed by those blue feelings of which the mixture of Corona virus, Dutch winter, absence of sunlight and lack of freedom are made. All of a sudden it was like I had no pulse. And while reading a special Nature edition of (my bible) Kinfolk over breakfast this morning, I realized I had missed my light - in all senses.

The light that has always been capable to nourish the drive, the guidance, the energy, the impulse, the courage, the vigor: my life's fuels. How could I let this happen? Was it my fault? How could it be my fault if I have not even noticed it?

Even the most unpleasant and deeply sad moments I had already endured, nothing compares to the lethargic state in which I have found myself until this day. To make it worse, for the first time in my existence I've seen myself absorbed by a shadow of insecurity, fear and lack of confidence as though I wasn't capable to be, to do or to move forward. Where has the "fearless me" gone to?

Apparently, thank God, I'm not a robot! Not feeling inspired, missing happiness and excitement can also mean feeling other emotions, except they are not that pleasant. The good news is that I'm back on track. And I swear that no despicable virus or nasty weather will hold me back.


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